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Okay, so thanks to a bunch of readers I found out about Harry Potter over the weekend. Apparently this guy is a big deal with "the kids", so to cash in on all of that Potter-mania I'm going to write up 5 new Harry Potter books this week. The basic synopses will be on this site; if anybody wants to pay me to write up the full books (each one will be at least 500 pages but no more than 2,500 pages) you know how to get in touch with me.

Book The I: Harry Potter and the Magicalicious Surgicians

SYNOPSIS: Harry Potter, a seemingly ordinary colonel in the US Army, is assigned to a MASH camp during the Korean War. Upon arriving, he is inducted into a secret society of surgeons that are also magicians. Although he himself is not a magician, Harry bears a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead that the Surgicians think is pretty neat-looking. Harry befriends several Surgicians: Hawk-Eye, a manic depressive who drinks a lot anmd has the ability to control animals; Margaret, the woman Surgician; and Bee Jay, the wacky sidekick who falls down a lot and who also has the uncanny ability to know when someone is looking at him strangely.

Harry overcomes some dangers, including several Korean enemy soldiers that attack him with magic wands in the form of guns, and saves the lives of some Surgicians and non-Surgician soldiers at the MASH. He also learns Magic-Eckers, which is a version of checkers played on flying Jeeps with checker pieces that are actually magical gnomes. Also, there's an evil anti-sugeon called Peestank that menaces Harry, and the Surgicians protect him. Will Harry be the foretold Big Guy that will eventually kill Peestank? Find out in future books!

NOTABLE MAGICAL ITEMS IN THE BOOK: a Jeep-Go-Round, which is a regular-looking Jeep that can travel really fast in a circle; No-Kill-Ullets, which are bullets that don't actually kill people; the Autoclave of Reasoning, which helps Harry figure out which tent he should stay in during his stay at the MASH; and a prostitute that shits gold dust.

SAMPLE DIALOGUE:

Harry felt a surge of excitement as he stared at the Surgicians. "You mean you can heal a burst appendix with ... magic?"

The Surgician nodded. "We know many spells of healing, Harry. And if you're willing to learn our trade, you too might be able to carry a Scalpel of Positivity and Fortuitudeness, and eat at the Magi-delic Canteen of Wonderiforous Eats."

"Gosh," was all that Harry could stammer out.

... later in the book ...

"Tack to your right side!" bellowed Harry's Magick-Eckers partner. Harry complied, tacking his Flying Jeep with a flick of his Magic-Eckers Stick. The opposing team dove into the space vacated by Harry's team, but they didn't recognize the tactic until it was too late. Harry twisted his Flying Jeep around and threw one of his few remaining magical gnomes into the Magic-Eckers Score-Space. Harry had been Kinged!

"Wow," was all he could manage.

Exciting stuff, no? Tune in tomorrow for more adventures of Harry Potter.

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