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I've seen more than my fair share of Elvis movies. From Speedway to Spinout, from It Happened at the World's Fair to Live A Little, Love A Little, Elvis played a wide range of characters throughout his film career.

After taking in more than one Elvis movie, however, even the most casual observer will notice quite a few similarities between them. Elvis always sang in his movies, of course, but what was the deal with always singing with kids? And why did he always seem to have a comic relief sidekick in every movie?

To address these and other questions, I've prepared a list of rules that screenwriters can use for making up a typical Elvis film. Assistance for this list was provided by my friend Jeff, who has seen at least as many Elvis movies as I have. (We've also sampled various delicacies from the Elvis cook book ... but that's another story.)

Elvis Movies: the rules

1. Elvis plays the main character in the movie. His occupation is one that allows him regular access to one or more of the following: race car; motorcycle; airplane; or speedboat. A racing contest in at least one of these vehicles will occur near the end of the picture, with Elvis winning the contest.


2. Elvis must always have a strong, All-American, regular guy name. You cannot have an Elvis movie where his character is named Mort Goldman. Try something in the "Lucky Jackson/Rusty Wells/Mike McCoy/Tulsa McLean" vein.


3. Because people don't go to an Elvis movie to see him reciting Shakespeare, Elvis' character must be given ample instances throughout the movie to sing songs from the soundtrack. There will always be at least one of the following:
   
   • a party, carnival, soda shop or public bazaar where a band is performing, thus giving Elvis an opportunity to perform in front of a crowd;
   
   
   • an opportunity for Elvis to play a song while strumming his guitar (full orchestral accompaniment during the song is optional);
   
   an introspective song where Elvis reflects on his apparent loss of his love interest (for additional pathos, Elvis may choose to not lip-sync with the song)


4. If a female character is in love with Elvis' character at the beginning of the picture, she will be paired up with one of the male supporting leads by the end of the picture (see Spinout for an extreme example, where three women in love with Elvis are paired up with other men). If a leading female character is not in love with Elvis at the beginning of the picture, she will be by the end of the picture.


5. At least one of the songs on the soundtrack (in addition to the title song) must directly comment on the action in the movie. (See Ann-Margret's song "My Rival" in Viva Las Vegas, as well as the most extreme example of this genre, "Hey Hey Hey" in Clambake.)


6. To relieve the intense stress and pressure on the songwriters, one song on the soundtrack may be a public domain song. The lyrics may be rewritten to fit the plot line. (See "Santa Lucia" in Viva Las Vegas, "There's a Brand New Day on the Horizon" in Roustabout, etc.)


7. The movie may have either one male supporting role whose function is to be Elvis' friend and/or rival (Cesare Danova in Viva Las Vegas, Will Hutchins in Clambake), or two male roles who are Elvis' travelling companions and occasionally provide comic relief (see Spinout, Girl Happy).


8. Elvis must have a musical number with a child or children. Because Elvis is for the children. (See "Confidence" in Clambake, "Shake that Tambourine" in Harum Scarum.)


9. Every business venture, contest, race, lottery, scientific inquiry, game of chance or bar-room wager that Elvis enters must be won by Elvis. Exceptions are made only when Elvis is trying to win the heart of a woman who does not love him (see Rule #4).


10. Elvis must engage in at least one fistfight or shouting match per movie. Bonus points if it's with a male relative of his love interest, but any unlikable character will do. Unlike Rule #9, it is not necessary for Elvis to win. Gratuitous violence is its own reward. (See Roustabout, Clambake, even Jailhouse Rock.)


11. Every Elvis movie must feature at least one dance sequence where a group of excitable female dancers wiggle their tushes and do various "mod" dance steps of the day. Attendance of this dance by Elvis' eventual female companion is mandatory. (See: Viva Las Vegas, Clambake, Spinout, etc.)


12. Optional features for your Elvis movie:
    
    • cast a distinguished actress in a supporting role (see Angela Lansbury in Blue Hawaii, Barbara Stanwyck in Roustabout)
    
    
    • a cameo for Memphis Mafia member Red West (see Blue Hawaii, Girl Happy, Clambake, Roustabout, etc.)
    
    
    • a dancing role for Teri Garr (Clambake, Viva Las Vegas, Roustabout, etc.)
    
    
    • an older male supporting role who will help out Elvis' character in times of trouble (see Gary Merrill in Clambake, Carl Betz in Spinout)
    
    
    • one or more of the following actresses: Shelley Fabares, Mary Ann Mobley, Nancy Sinatra, Stella Stevens, or Yvonne Craig
    
    
    • a cover version of a song that was a hit for Ray Charles (see "You Don't Know Me" in Clambake, "What'd I Say" in Viva Las Vegas)
    
    
    • a wedding (either Elvis weds his lady, or the alternate supporting couple gets married thanks to Elvis)
    
    

There you go. With these rules, you should be able to concoct yourself a reasonable facsimile of an actual Elvis Presley movie. Get working, and if you get rich off of your script, tell 'em you read about it here.

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